Why Do We Go Back?

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know” -Pema

Sometimes in therapy the work is about getting closer to the pain we feel rather than trying to soothe or dissipate it. This can seem counterintuitive for both therapists and patients at times because of course the whole point of this is to ultimately feel better, right? If we want to feel better, don’t we just want to get rid of what doesn’t feel good? Although, at times of overwhelm, continuing to sit in painful feelings or sensations might not best serve us and this is where grounding, coping and self soothing tools are incredibly helpful. Over time, we can slowly increase our ability to tolerate the messy, scary and big feelings, which ultimately helps to dissipate the intensity of them. The pathway to healing is not always linear and smoothing things over if we haven’t actually fully explored the pain can sometimes be limiting. 

Occasionally, it can be helpful to get quiet, tune into ourselves and ask, “what is this pain trying to tell me”? What arises from this can be interesting. We might find that this place we are stuck in, we have been here before. We might find fears that we harbor, hidden behind whatever pain this is. We might start to feel the grief we have held for so long but never really acknowledged before. In truly feeling, we might be able to begin adjusting the narrative we have written about ourselves and our lives. Although what is happening in the here and now matters, deeply, allowing space for the past can allow room for the breakthroughs.